The Way Of The Kook

Look upon my works, O Ye Mighty, and PLONK

Look upon my works, O Ye Mighty, and PLONK

A few years back, after spending a lot of time participating in various Usenet newsgroups and attracting a fair bit of unwanted attention along with the wanted, I found the collection of kookologists at alt.usenet.kooks, who made it their mission to identify, classify, and horrify nutjobs.  Not people with legitimate mental health issues – these folks were, in fact, excepted underwhat was known as the Formosa Rule, to wit:  “The truly nuts have enough problems without us adding to them.”  No, these are the kinds of people who threaten lawsuits against those who disagree with them, or call the police when someone tells them they’re idiots, or forge messages in the names of their enemies when they can’t manage to actually make a salient point.  The kind of people who attack you for not doing anything, then when you tell them what you’re doing they accuse you of bragging and whining.  The kind of folks who believe that rainbows are a government conspiracy.

In the process of participating in the study of kooks and kookism myself, the other kookologists and I managed to codify some of the most frequently-seen kook behavior into a list of red flags, warning signs, big flashing WTFs that can be used by the discerning reader to determine when they are faced with a Frothing Whackjob.  This, then, is…Teh WAY of teh KOOK.)

  1. Never learn from your mistakes, or from anyone else’s.
  2. Never allow logic or reason get in the way of the TRVTH.  When they do:  file a lawsuit.
  3. If you are going to be wrong, do it at the top of your lungs.
  4. When caught in a lie: LIE! Follow up by claiming that you never lie.
  5. Never forget to call kookologists “k00ks.” If there are several, call them “sockpuppets” too.
  6. Anytime your computer is infected with a virus, bogged down by spyware, attacked over your internet connection, or otherwise suffering from preventable problems, it’s a sure sign government agencies are responsible and are trying to silence you and are monitoring your computer files.
  7. Always back up your threats with false police reports and harassing letters to the FBI and other gubbermint agencies.
  8. If you can’t find anyone as crazy as you for support in flamewars with normal people, use sock puppets.
  9. If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.  Anybody who fails to understand this is engaged in a deliberate campaign of misinformation and character assassination.
  10. Write a self-published book and claim it a success. Bonus points for comparing it to “Mein Kampf” and/or the Bible.
  11. Declare yourself equal to a deity of your choice.
  12. Frothing complaints carry far more weight when you send them from “legal@” some domain.
  13. Nothing strikes terror into the hearts of your detractors more than telling them that you’re archiving their messages for possible use in the future.
  14. The Internet is public property governed by US law. If a poster in Romania killfiles you, he’s obviously violating your 1st Amendment rights and can be sued.
  15. Every forum admin in the world is just dying to nuke the account of that meanyhead who just called you “f*cknozzle”. Drop ’em a line – that’s what they’re there for, after all.
  16. The k00k will, without any trace of irony, lie, manipulate, impersonate, censor, and declare themselves powerful in ways ranging from the ability to have an account shut down to being God Herself, in order to convince people that they are not liars, manipulators, censors, or insane.
  17. Keep in mind that lack of evidence supporting your konspiracy theory actually is evidence, of how effective the konspiracy is in hiding.
  18. Konspiracies that are able to subvert whole governments are always unable to silence konspiracy ko0ks.
  19. The entire United States government is willing to spend millions of dollars for the sole purpose of harassing you.
  20. If you respond to every post someone else makes, they’re obsessed. If they respond to less than 1% of your posts, they’re even more obsessed.
  21. Publishing people’s real names, addresses, and phone numbers when there’s no other way for you to come out of a flamewar with any dignity is cool, and proves that you are a master of secret internet information stores, and Absolutely Not To Be F*cked With.
  22. Everyone is out to get you. You can put a stop to this by telling everyone that they’re out to get you at every available opportunity.
  23. You are the only sane one.
  24. Those that give you a hard time about morally bankrupt things you yourself admit to are just persecutioners of the new inquisition.
  25. Yelling in all caps and cursing at your detractors is debate. Your detractors laughing at you with sarcastic remarks is obvious anger and jealousy.
  26. If doing something results in the loss of your account, legal hassles, or blunt trauma injury, do it again. It always works better the second time.
  27. “They laughed at Einstein, too!”

..with thanks to Pinku-Sensei, Aratzio, Dr. Flonkenstein, Dan Baldwin, Cujo, CJ Osterwald, Jade, Bookman, and John Henry, of AUK. Meow. Original thread at – some posts may not appear due to x-no-archive headers.  v2.0, 07-Oct-2013.  Originally constructed sometime in mid-2005 or so.  And no, “froup” does not and never has had anything to do with the obscure, regional, and archaic-long-before-the-internets-were-alive adjective “froody.”  It’s a typo joke, like “psot” and “PLEAS AD ME TO YUOR LITS.”  Making up answers when you don’t know them, just to sound like you know what you’re talking about, is pretty kooky, too.